Ahhhh, I feel like I am becoming one of those pathetic people who just moan about everything. When really, I don’t have a lot to complain about in life, I’m a generally a content person honestly. I think this will be one of very few for instances that I mention this, I don’t want sympathy – I feel sorry enough for myself already (kidding) but I did want to share where I’ve been.
I mentioned in a few blogs back before my absence that I was being screened for MS, again because I’ve been having some issues. I had an MRI and full screening 10’ish years ago but MS was ruled out, this time around, I wasn’t so lucky. I’m disappointed but not surprised, there’s been too many little things adding up over time and I just had this sinking feeling. 10 years ago, I thought my doctor was nuts but this time I knew. MS is a disease that is seemingly different for everyone who has it or so I can tell. It’s a disease that impacts the central nervous system and disrupts the communication between your brain and muscles. For me it’s cloudy vision when I get tired, always being tired, holding a cup of coffee one minute and then dumping it all over myself the next, not being able to grip my steering wheel, crying when my tire pressure warning comes on because I know I can’t get those stupid little valve covers off by myself. It’s anger and resentment and what the fuck is karma because I feel like I am a pretty good person who just got served the biggest shit sandwich of her lifetime. It’s a lot of unknowns at this point, will it get worse or could this be the worst that my symptoms get? It’s knowing that I could do everything exactly right to treat it and still get fucked. For now, I am trying some acupuncture and am on a beta interferon which is supposed to reduce symptoms. I’m lucky in that I don’t have any pain, I experience numbness and weakness more than anything.
At this point, I am just going to keep on living my life and try not to cry over spilt milk (literally since I’m spilling everything at this point). I’m not going to start joining advocacy groups or running 5k’s to raise awareness, because I am selfish and a little vain and don’t really want people in my life to perceive me as being different. I’m not going to share much about it, I don’t think that would be helpful because for the last month I have been reading everything I can on the disease and not getting any answers. Like I said, it’s so different for each person, there’s just no way of knowing what to expect.
Two sad, whiny blogs to get back into blogging 😛 I plan to get back to some regularly scheduled content sooner than later.