If you’re having a fantastic day or feeling particularly optimistic then maybe skip this one 😛 If you’re interested in a little death talk, then by all means, keep reading but know that this is mostly meant to be lighthearted & poking a little fun at myself. There are things that cause me anxiety on the day to day, like sitting in a drive thru & then wondering if my car is going to break down & we’ll all be trapped in the drive thru. I’m also anxious about putting things out into the universe, manifesting them so to speak then have them happen. So, me sitting in the drive thru thinking about my car breaking down is like double anxiety for me & I’m only doing it to myself. There’s nothing wrong with my car but why don’t more drive thrus have an escape lane?! Anyway, let’s talk real fear.
A little back story here, I have the uncanny ability to fall asleep anywhere, anytime. I dated a marine a long time ago who was very impressed with this – he said that it’s an important ability to have in the armed forces because you might need to take a nap in unfavorable places & going too long without sleep can be detrimental. Who knew that sleeping was considered a survival tactic? This was also very useful in college because I could pull an all nighter, quick nap in between classes & I was set. I watched this documentary about Fatal Familial Insomnia awhile ago & it’s a very rare, genetic disorder that prevents you from being able to sleep, eventually you will die. I mean, eventually everyone dies but you will die from lack of sleep. Of course, I don’t have it but since I’ve never had any issues with sleeping, if I even have one night of not being able to sleep I immediately convince myself that I’m never sleeping again. Then I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling reminiscing about all those naps I took for granted.
I’m not a particularly religious person, I go to mass out of mostly habit but I don’t necessarily believe in an afterlife, more on this later. I didn’t even know that I feared Hell until I was 15’ish years old & was literally blown away when I saw the Hell scene in Constantine. It took my breath away, if that is what Hell looks like – I want nothing to do with it. I mean, I don’t want anything to do with any version of Hell but particularly this one. Not to get dramatic here but when the Minneapolis riots (the first round) were happening, it looked like this Hell. Burnt cars, the post apocalyptic cityscapes and honestly it doesn’t look that much better presently. There’s just something about seeing real, tangible objects from everyday life in this fiery, desolate place – it makes it much less imaginary.
I’m not joking, bitch. I am not so nihilistic that I believe that we are truly living in a matrix & are just something created for the entertainment of another more intelligent being. Aliens, I’m talking aliens here. However, there have been things that have happened in my life that make me pause & wonder. For example, I was rolling up to the park the other night when I noticed that there were 10-12 SUVs parked in a line, all different kinds but close enough to the same model that they looked the same. Most of them were black, one grey & one beige. I don’t know why it bothered me so much, is anyone else that neurotic? It was like they were just put there, when I was leaving the park 2’ish hours later – they were still there. This probably sounds nuts… 😛 Having a ‘glitch’ scares me because I imagine one could walk into that glitch & then you’re going to be trapped in an infinitely white universe – what’s that movie I’m thinking of? There’s just nothing but white, also terrifying. Anyway…
I am of two minds about death & reincarnation, I am saddened by the thought of one day never existing but I am genuinely afraid of coming back numerous times to live different lifetimes in any form. When my mom died, a friend got me a card saying something like, she flies with butterflies now – a very nice sentiment but also…what? Do I want my dead relatives coming back as butterflies? Also, fuck coming back as a human being in another lifetime. What if I come back in a time where I had to live through the Black Plague or some other much less civilized time where your village could be raided by Vikings? I can’t live like that. Also, I would absolutely be put on trial for being a witch. Maybe part of my problem is that I think of time as being all concurrent, like ancient Egypt is happening right now but it’s present time there. But anyway, I picture death being like the story in Harry Potter about the three brothers where the last brother finally meets Death and welcomes him like an old friend. Life is exhausting, the thought of coming back over and over and over and over…you get the idea…
So – those are the things that keep me up at night 😀 Let me know what’s been on your mind, any particularly odd phobias or just the day to day stuff 😛
I know, I know – how original & not quite a horror movie but I’m going to the movies to see it tonight! Like, the theatre & I’m so excited. If I get COVID I’m going to be so pissed, I haven’t been out for many non-essential outings so I’m treating myself. Hocus Pocus (1993) When a virgin lights the Black Flame candle, a trio of witches are brought back from the grave to wreak havoc on modern day Salem.